Just a Bit Wrecked Read online

  He might not have been a depressed mess anymore, but he wasn’t the Andrew Reyes he had been a year ago. He couldn’t be that person again. The island had changed him. His old beliefs and emotions felt so distant now. He didn’t think the same way. He didn’t feel the same way. If a year ago he’d overheard Ian Caldwell kissing some guy in his office, Andrew would have sneered. He would have felt disgusted, not… whatever the tight feeling in his chest was.

  Coward, a voice said at the back of his mind. You know what you’re feeling. Envy. Jealousy. Yearning.

  Heartache.

  Andrew closed the door of the restroom behind him and staggered to the sink. He opened the tap and splashed cold water on his face.

  “I just miss Vivian,” he whispered.

  Coward, the voice said again. It’s not her you miss.

  “Shut up.” He felt like a madman, talking to himself. Maybe he was mad. Maybe all of this wasn’t real and he would wake up any moment, curled up in Logan’s arms—

  The yearning that hit him was so strong that Andrew had to bite his lip, his eyes tearing up.

  God, he hated himself. He’d thought he was finally past this. He’d thought he was finally cured of him. But it seemed all he’d managed to accomplish was to push Logan to the back of his mind and suppress, suppress, suppress. Being okay wasn’t the same as being happy.

  I want to be with you because you make me happy.

  The door behind him opened. “Andrew?”

  Andrew lifted his gaze and met a pair of concerned blue eyes in the mirror. Right. Nate. Raffaele Ferrara’s assistant.

  He blinked the wetness away from his eyes, hoping it wasn’t obvious that he’d been this close to crying. “Hey. Were you looking for me?” he said, pretty proud that his voice sounded normal enough. “Did Caldwell already tell you that I’d be running the company? You’re probably going to be my assistant.”

  Nate snorted softly, walking to a urinal. “I know about the decision Caldwell made, but I’m not going to be your PA. I wish, but my dick of a boss would never let his favorite whipping boy walk free. I’m not the CEO’s assistant. I’m his. He’s taking me with him back to the Caldwell Group.”

  Andrew averted his gaze when Nate unzipped his pants. “How did you know about the decision, then? The meeting ended just ten minutes ago.”

  Nate made an amused sound. “The meeting with Rutledge didn’t actually decide anything. Caldwell’s boyfriend had already talked him into leaving the Rutledges alone.”

  Miles?

  Andrew frowned. “What? But… How do you even know so much about it?” It wasn’t exactly public knowledge that Caldwell had wanted revenge on the Rutledges.

  Nate zipped up. “Caldwell is friends with my boss. I heard them discuss it yesterday.”

  Yesterday?

  Andrew scowled. Why had Caldwell even forced Derek and him to go through the excruciating ordeal of apologizing for Derek’s actions if he’d already made the decision?

  As if reading his thoughts, Nate chuckled. “Caldwell might have already made the decision, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t still want to make Rutledge grovel. He’s an asshole, though not as big of an asshole as my asshole of a boss. Mine is Satan personified.”

  Andrew shot him a curious glance. “Why don’t you quit if Ferrara is that bad?”

  Nate’s face did something strange. He shrugged and went to the sink to wash his hands. “So, why were you crying?”

  The sudden change of subject caught Andrew off guard. “I wasn’t,” he said after a moment, painfully aware of how unconvincing it must have sounded.

  Nate gave him a long look. “You can talk to me, you know. I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener.”

  Andrew’s first urge was to say that he was fine and change the subject.

  But then he hesitated.

  Why not, really? Nate wasn’t even going to work in their company anymore. He wasn’t going to be Andrew’s subordinate. And he seemed like a good guy, his face open and his blue eyes kind. Andrew couldn’t deny that he wanted a fresh perspective, wanted to talk to someone—anyone. He felt like he’d explode if he didn’t talk about this to someone. His therapist didn’t count, and all of his friends had been Vivian’s.

  “Have you ever been with a man?” He flushed as soon as he blurted it out.

  Nate blinked, his golden eyebrows slightly raised. “I’m straight,” he said. “The closest I’ve been to another guy’s cock was when my demon of a boss made me put a condom on his.”

  Andrew stared at him. And then stared some more. “Eh, what?”

  Nate laughed. It wasn’t a very amused sound. “I know, right? My boss is a fucking psycho. I swear he lives to torture me. Not only do I have to buy condoms for him—among a million other tasks—but he also literally made me put a condom on his cock before he fucked some leggy blonde with a fake tan and fake boobs.” He scowled. “He’s—” He cut himself off and shook his head. Then he looked at Andrew curiously. “So, what’s with the sudden interest? What does it have to do with your crying?”

  “I wasn’t crying,” Andrew said.

  Nate’s silence said it all.

  Running a hand over his face, Andrew sighed. He looked around the room before returning his gaze to Nate. “You know I was stuck on the island with another man, right?”

  Nate’s forehead wrinkled. “Everyone knows that— Wait. Are you saying you and Logan McCall…?”

  Andrew face felt very warm. He was already starting to regret speaking of this, but he couldn’t backtrack now. “Yeah,” he said, uncomfortably. “It was just a stress thing.”

  Nate nodded, his expression understanding. “You were lonely.”

  “Yeah.” Andrew looked down at his hands. They were pale again, he noted dispassionately. His tan was long gone. “Lonely, desperate, and scared. And he was the only thing that kept me semi-sane. He was—he was my everything back then. But it was supposed to go away once we…”

  “Ah.”

  They were silent for a while.

  Andrew couldn’t look at the other guy as he confessed roughly, “I was supposed to—was supposed to stop needing him. My life is good now. I’m okay. I shouldn’t still need him.”

  “Why not?” Nate said quietly. “Because it’s gay?”

  “It’s not… It’s not really that. I used to think that way, but not anymore. I can’t feel that way for real, not about him.”

  “Why not?” Nate sounded puzzled. “What’s wrong with needing the person you’re in love with?”

  Andrew opened his mouth. No sound came out of it.

  “I’m not in love with him,” he managed at last. Of course he wasn’t in love with Logan. What a ridiculous idea. Right?

  “I don’t know,” Nate said, radiating skepticism. “You seem pretty heartbroken.”

  “I’m heartbroken because I’m grieving my wife.”

  “You have no reason to feel guilty, you know,” Nate said, not unkindly. “She’s been gone for over a year.”

  Andrew turned away from Nate and stared at his own reflection. Pale. He was so pale, his eyes the only color on his face.

  “You know why I feel guilty?” he said hoarsely. “Why what I feel for him can’t be normal? I loved Vivian, I adored her, but if someone told me that I could have either Vivian or him back…” He swallowed. “I’m not at all sure I’d choose my wife. I wouldn’t choose her.” There. He’d finally said those words out loud. The thought had been eating away at him for months, but he’d been holding it inside, still trying to pretend it wasn’t real.

  “Oh.”

  Andrew nearly laughed. Yes, oh. “So of course I fucking feel guilty. I’m the worst. She was my wife. My best friend. I loved her.”

  This couldn’t be love. Dependency, need, obsession. Anything but love. He had loved Vivian. What he felt for Logan was so much more intense and raw. It couldn’t possibly be something as normal as love, right? God, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

  It had be
en so comforting to think that it all had been just a phase, an unhealthy coping mechanism that would go away once he acclimated to the real world again. Well, he had acclimated to the real world, but nothing had changed about his feelings for Logan.

  No, to be fair, something had changed. He was now able to function adequately without Logan. The problem was, he didn’t want to. He no longer needed Logan for the world to make sense. He just needed him, period.

  I want to be with you because you make me happy.

  “Did you and Logan have a falling out?” Nate said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

  Andrew sighed. “No—yes. Vivian’s close friend saw us kissing, and I pushed Logan away and acted like it meant nothing. It pissed Logan off. He said he didn’t like being forced back into the closet. He clearly thought I was just being a repressed, bigoted ass.”

  “And he was wrong?”

  Andrew shrugged. “It wasn’t… It wasn’t really about that. I mean, my wife’s funeral had been just the other week, and then her best friend sees me making out with someone else. It looked beyond shitty. So I overreacted when Colin saw us.”

  “Why didn’t you explain that to Logan?”

  Andrew laughed a little. “There was no point. He said he didn’t want to deal with my mess anymore.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. Tried to. “He said he didn’t want me.”

  “And you believed him? If you weren’t honest with him, what makes you think he was being honest with you?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Andrew said after a moment. “I’m not—I don’t want to be a burden to someone who doesn’t want me.”

  Nate made a thoughtful sound. “I get it, but have you considered that it might have been just a misunderstanding? He misunderstood why you didn’t want to be seen with him, got angry, and said that he didn’t want you, either, just to protect himself. It’s human nature.”

  Andrew frowned.

  “Think about it,” Nate said and left.

  Chapter 24

  Andrew thought about it.

  It was all he thought about for the next two weeks.

  Could Nate be right? Could Logan maybe not have meant it when he’d said he didn’t want him?

  He hated himself for even entertaining the thought, hated that he was unable to quash the hope that rose up in him.

  He found himself staring at Logan’s number at night, his thumb hovering over it until it was shaking with discomfort.

  It was stupid. Even if Logan really had wanted him back then, he might have moved on by now. It had been nearly four months. And Andrew still had no idea if he could be honest with Logan about how he really felt when he could barely be honest with himself. I can live without you, but I don’t want to. I feel guilty that I need you more than I’ve ever needed my wife. I feel guilty, because I’m scared I wouldn’t be happy even if I had her back.

  That night, he dreamed.

  He dreamed of Vivian.

  They were seated on the island’s beach, her head on his shoulder.

  Their fingers were intertwined.

  It was peaceful. Quiet.

  “I know you loved me,” she said. “You made me the happiest woman in the world.” She turned her head and looked at him with her lovely eyes. She smiled, touching his face. “It’s okay. I want you to be happy, silly.” She brushed her lips against his, the touch affectionate and warm. “Loving someone is always scary. But I know you’re brave. Be brave, sweetheart.”

  And then she was gone.

  Andrew woke up with tears in his eyes.

  He lay like that, crying silently until there were no tears left.

  He felt at peace, for the first time in a long time.

  After a while, he reached for his phone and scrolled to his aunt’s number. He hit Call.

  “Andrew?” she said, sounding sleepy. “Is something wrong?”

  Right. It was still early morning.

  “It wasn’t an experiment,” he said hoarsely. “I think I’m bi.”

  There was silence on the line.

  He could hear his aunt breathe unsteadily. “Andrew… Is this about that man?” she said. “Logan?”

  Andrew stared at the ceiling. “It isn’t about anyone. It’s about me. I’m attracted to men. I want to know if you—if you can still—”

  “Don’t be stupid,” she said tersely. “You think I dedicated my life to raising you just to— you think that’s enough for me to give up on you?”

  “It isn’t?” he croaked out.

  “Idiot boy,” she bit off and hung up.

  Andrew stared at the phone blankly before a laugh left his throat.

  Something in his chest loosened a bit. He knew his aunt would never entirely approve of his sexuality, but maybe it was okay.

  Maybe she didn’t need to approve of his life choices to love him.

  ***

  He had intended to be an adult about it.

  He had wanted to message Logan with something neutral, find out where he was, if he was seeing anyone (even thinking about it made him feel sick, but it was a possibility, one he couldn’t dismiss), but in the end, he was too much of a coward. He wasn’t brave at all.

  So Andrew did the responsible, adult thing: he stalked Logan.

  He went back to Logan’s hotel and asked the manager for his address. The manager recognized him this time, and after having seen Andrew nearly naked in Logan’s room, probably had drawn his own conclusions and didn’t need much convincing when Andrew said he wanted to surprise Logan. He got the address.

  To his surprise, it was a Boston address. Apparently Logan hadn’t returned to New York. Logan had been here all this time. So close. And yet he’d stayed away.

  Andrew wasn’t sure what to think. How to feel. Hell, he still wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he saw Logan again.

  As he approached the house, he played out various scenarios in his head.

  Realistically, he knew that Logan was unlikely to be happy to see him. He knew it was a stupid idea to go there without any warning. It was probably going to be awkward as fuck. It was likely that they had become strangers to each other. At best, there would be some awkward small talk. At worst, Logan would be angry with him for seeking him out. Or…

  Enough, he told himself as he stopped in front of the door. Whatever happens, happens. At least I’ll get some closure and stop this stupid pining.

  He knocked.

  It felt like forever before the door finally opened. Logan’s slight smile froze when he saw Andrew.

  All the words died in Andrew’s throat.

  He looked so good.

  It was probably a stupid thought, because Logan always looked good, but Andrew didn’t really mean his looks. The way he looked—his stubbled face, his dark eyes, the sardonic curl of his firm mouth—it was… Logan looked like home. He looked like his, Andrew’s.

  Later, Andrew would be embarrassed by what he did. Later, he would be mortified. Right now he didn’t give a damn—he just wanted.

  He practically launched himself at Logan and kissed him hard, his hands running up and down Logan’s arms, over his broad shoulders and strong back, wanting to feel him, needing him so much he was shaking with it. He kissed him desperately, all teeth and tongue, craving him, breathing in his scent like an addict, and unable to get enough.

  At first Logan didn’t respond, his body rigid with tension. But then, he groaned and kissed back, his arm crushing Andrew against his chest and his other hand burying in Andrew’s hair. God, it felt so good, so perfect, so right. Andrew’s eyes were burning with tears, his lips—his everything—clinging to Logan, unable to let go, unwilling to let go, never again.

  There was some noise, but Andrew barely registered it, his body boneless against Logan, his mouth insatiable, every part of his being singing with happiness. God, the way he smelled, the way he tasted, it was—

  “Ahem,” someone said again. “Do we need to go, brother? We can go.”

  Andrew whined when Logan sto
pped kissing him, seeking his mouth blindly. No, don’t go.

  “Christ,” Logan said and kissed him again, pulling their hips flush.

  “Eh, maybe get a room, you two,” a laughing female voice said.

  When the words fully registered, Andrew tried to wrench his lips away from Logan’s, but this time it was Logan who didn’t let him, kissing him again, and again, and again, his mouth wet, hot, and hungry, his hands kneading Andrew’s ass.

  “I hate to interrupt, I really do, but this is getting really awkward, brother mine.” The voice sounded really close now, and Andrew tore his mouth away with a miserable whimper and forced his eyes open.

  Even when his eyes finally managed to focus on the smiling woman behind Logan, it took him a few moments to recognize her. Right. Logan’s sister. Both of his sisters. Both of his sisters and half a dozen unfamiliar people that looked a lot like Logan. People who all were staring at Andrew and had undoubtedly just witnessed Andrew jumping Logan and groping him all over. Great. It was a good thing he was already flushed and it wasn’t physically possible for Andrew to blush harder.

  He said faintly, “Hey.”

  “Hi, Andrew,” the woman said. Was it Kate or Alice? They kind of looked alike, and Andrew’s hazy brain still wasn’t exactly at its best. To be honest, it took everything in him not to go back to clinging to Logan. Other people’s scrutiny wasn’t exactly helping his equilibrium. He still couldn’t bring himself to step away from Logan.

  Logan stood very still beside him.

  Andrew risked a glance at him and found himself caught in those dark eyes again.

  They were difficult to read, but they remained only on Andrew. “What are you doing here?” he said quietly, ignoring his relatives completely.

  Andrew moistened his lips with his tongue, and felt a surge of happiness when Logan’s gaze flicked down to his mouth before he visibly forced himself to return it back to Andrew’s eyes.

  Logan still wanted him. Except physical want meant very little.

  The thought made Andrew deflate. He looked at Logan’s face searchingly, but it was difficult to read him.